kellylaine74’s blog

Ok so I'm sitting at my neighbors house like usual after the bars... I saw josh tonight (my text message boyfriend) and we had a look but not THE look. He is so cute but I think he kind of sucks. He is a pilot in the air force, and super hot. Sounds great... But he might have no personality. I just can't help but like him though. So I'm sitting here and he texted me and then probably passed out bc its been 15 minutes since the last text.
The thing is, I don't know if I want to meet him again bc I have this idea of him built up and I don't want it to be wrong...
And! I'm afriad he won't really like me. He is all into fitness and whatever and I'm so out of shape. I just feel a tad insecure bc he works out twice a day and has an awesome bod.
but on the other hand he is a dumbass and I have a beautiful mind
: )
and I must say... I'm kinda cute.

I’m hopeful that one day soon after I get my life together that I will walk into a room and there he will sit, staring at me with perfect beautiful eyes and he will just look at me. He will look so hard that he will see through my spine and into my soul and around the inside of my heart and he will settle right in the spot in my mind where you could never get comfortable. And he will realize that this is the place that he has been searching for, the place where he can breathe. And I, for the first time since you, I will look back. And the dust you left in my eyes and ears and in my conscience will wash away and in its place will come joy.

You will still be hangin’ around in the back of my dreams… but your significance will change. Instead of what I thought you once were to me: a friend, a lover, someone to nurture, someone to share my everything with, someone to be forever with, you will become what you always truly were: someone to lower my expectations. Someone to neglect me of myself for so long that I am still trying to remember who I was before you. Someone who knew all along that you didn’t have the capacity to embrace my style.

But before all this happens, before he looks at me, there are a few things I have to straighten out.

1.       Put down the booze. Booze has been my therapy for the past six months. It has been my friend, my enemy, a path, and a pothole. But the time has come to wash the alcohol from my pores and face life without numb lips or a light head.

2.       Stop giving my kisses away for free. I don’t know why I lend my lips to anyone who seems half interested, or whoever is sitting next to me and is as bored as I am. Maybe it’s because I feel so passionate when I kiss- it’s like I’m kissing myself- I want to feel it. Regardless of the reason. No more kissing.

3.       Pull my body out of this dirty pit that I have been living in. Eat healthy. Think healthy. Exercise. No more excuses.

So after I get all of these things under control, I can move on to what is really important to me. I can make others smile and feel safe. I can nurture someone other than you. I can help. I can do things you never expected. And somewhere, sometime, I will feel that look catch me. And I will be ready. And I will send you down the stream on a sailboat filled with your unhappiness, and with mine.

And I will finally become the person I long to be.

I am hopeful.